Just A Thought

The warmth of your blood coursing through your vains. You can't feel the flow. Your body is syncronized with gravity. The flow of blood and energy moves at a pace too fast for you to feel. You don't question it. The sensitivity in the tips of your fingers, the uncontrolled twitches in your legs, the speed at which your hair grows at. You have no control over your body. Cancer, cancer runs along your bones; picking and choosing its' home. You have no control. The feeling that spreads through your chest when you feel the lips of your lover on you. You can't explain the the vulnerability. You want it gone; with it you are destructable. You are an organism, an organism who's anatomy is so incredibly complex that you fall victim to yourself. How do you lift your hand up, what tells you to move your fingers, what tells you to write? What's making your eyes follow these words that I have typed? Question yourself; how much do you know about yourself? You know the altered emotions. Do you know the reasons they exist? Do you know what exactly it is that creates them? You know when you are happy or sad, you know when you are mad, but you don't know why or how you got to that state of mind. you say you are strong. Wer all say we are strong. We are made out to be the brightest of species. The flaw in that is that WE say it. We are a concieted species; we think we have life figured out, but we are merely puppets. Puppets to our own brains which we did not create. Nature will always trump man made sciences. What will it take for us to realize that we do not have control?

It Happened

You're right here beside me, it's finally real, it happened. You're everything I've ever wanted in a man, a lover, a partner, a friend. You've been good to me so far and I know you'll always be this way with me. We've got a lot ahead of us babe, life's gonna throw us for some loops, but we got this ;) I love you more than anything and I know that no matter what we face we'll find a way to get through the hours, and the days <3 Stay strong babe and you'll finish first. <3

Oh Great Spirit,
whose voice I hear in the winds,
and whose breath gives life to all the world
-hear me-

I come before you, one of your children.
I am small and weak.
I need your strength and wisdom.
Let me walk in beauty and make my eyes ever
behold the red and purple sunset.

Make my hands respect the things you have made,
my ears sharp to hear your voice.
Make me wise, so that I may know the things
you have taught my People,
the lesson you have hidden in every leaf and rock.

I seek strength not to be superior to my brothers,
but to be able to fight my greatest enemy, myself.
Make me ever ready to come to you,
with clean hands and straight eyes,
so when life fades as a fading sunset,
my spirit may come to you without shame.

I'll take you to where the world is upside down

Where air is unnecessary

Darkness heightens your sensations

Swallow the embracing tides

Follow the streams

Find tranquility

Dare to open your eyes

The sting of ocean salt..has it disappeared?

The creatures amongst you have feared your arrival

Will you take advantage?

Will you be overpowering in a world not of your own?

No longer a virgin to Poseidon's home

Water: the bases of life, and the cause of many deaths

Never be in fear of the elements

For your body was made from them

Are you ready to indulge in a new realm?

"Let your mind start a journey through a strange new world. Leave all thoughts of the world you know before. Let your soul take you where you long to be. Close your eyes let your spirit start to soar, and you'll live as you've never lived before"

-Phantom of the Opera

 Bide within the Law you must, in perfect Love and perfect Trust. Live you must and let to live, fairly take and fairly give. For tread the Circle thrice about to keep unwelcome spirits out. To bind the spell well every time, let the spell be said in rhyme. Light of eye and soft of touch, speak you little, listen much.

Honor the Old Ones in deed and name, let love and light be our guides again. Deosil go by the waxing moon, chanting out the joyful tune. Widdershins go when the moon doth wane, and the werewolf howls by the dread wolfsbane. When the Lady's moon is new, kiss the hand to Her times two. When the moon rides at Her peak then your heart's desire seek. Heed the North winds mighty gale, lock the door and trim the sail. When the Wind blows from the East, expect the new and set the feast. When the wind comes from the South, love will kiss you on the mouth. When the wind whispers from the West, all hearts will find peace and rest. Nine woods in the Cauldron go, burn them fast and burn them slow. Birch wood in the fire goes to represent what the Lady knows. Oak in the forest, towers with might in the fire it brings the God's insight. Rowan is a tree of power causing life and magick to flower. Willows at the waterside stand ready to help us to the Summerland. Hawthorn is burned to purify and to draw faerie to your eye. Hazel-the tree of wisdom and learning- adds its strength to the bright fire burning. White are the flowers of Apple tree that brings us fruits of fertility. Grapes grow upon the vine giving us both joy and wine. Fir does mark the evergreen to represent immortality seen. But - Elder is the Lady's tree burn it not or cursed you'll be. Four times the Major Sabbats mark in the light and in the dark. As the old year starts to wane the new begins, it's now Samhain. When the time for Imbolg shows watch for flowers through the snows. When the wheel begins to turn soon the Beltane fires will burn. As the wheel turns to Lammas night power is brought to magick rite. Four times the Minor Sabbats fall use the Sun to mark them all. When the wheel has turned to Yule light the log the Horned One rules. In the spring, when night equals day time for Ostara to come our way. When the Sun has reached it's height time for Oak and Holly to fight. Harvesting comes to one and all when the Autumn Equinox does fall. Heed the flower, bush, and tree By the Lady blessed you'll be. Where the rippling waters go cast a stone, the truth you'll know. When you have and hold a need, harken not to others greed. With a fool no season spend Lest you be counted as his friend. Merry Meet and Merry Part bright the cheeks and warm the heart. Mind the Three-fold Laws you should three times bad and three times good. When misfortune is enow wear the star upon your brow. True in love you must ever be unless your love is false to thee. Eight words the Rede fulfil "An' ye harm none, do what ye wilt".

Motivating You

The time is coming for you to pick up your life, shove it in the back seat of your car and move forward. Butterflies? Hell yes. Excited? Of course. You're the lead guy here. You're the one at the top. You feel like if you fail everything falls. Well, you're completely wrong; not only will you not fail, but you are not alone, you are not the only one in this. You will have help whenever you need it, you will have all the support you can get. Doubt is going to visit you, but you'll have someone to help you get through everything. Never take life too seriously. Go with the flow. Jeremy you are going to be fine. You are going to succeed. Never be ashamed to make a mistake, never be ashamed to ask for help. You're smarter, wiser, and more mature than you think. You have the potential and ability to finish what needs to be done. I'll be there every step of the way for you. You want me there; I'll be there. Hold your head up, walk forward, and expect a great life.

Dear Ohio

It's times like these when you sit back and ponder if what you're doing is the right thing for yourself and those effected by the things you do. You wonder if the pros outweigh the cons. Babi, you're on the right track, and I'm not saying that because it's bringing you to me, but because you're stepping outside your comfort zone, you're doing what you need to do to provide better for your children. If you ever come to a point in your life where you don't think you can continue or succeed, let me in, let me help. I'm always going to be here to encourage you, I'm on your side. You don't have to work solo, I'm your partner in it all. I've grown to love you more than I've loved another, in such a short period of time, normally that would scare me, but this time, it excites me. You're everything I could ever ask for in a man and more. We'll have a good life hunni, and because we're both stubborn it'll be fun ;) Smile hun, you're doing alright.

"The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes."

Benjamin Disraeli

There's always been something about park benches that has caught my imagination.

Reoccurring Dreams

So lately I've been having this awful dream that leaves me waking in a panic. I'm in this house. Or mansion I should say because this place was humongous. I lived in the house with a group of other people. I cannot name the people because they were faceless. A group of men came into the house and opened fire on me and the other people in the house. The men were dressed in suits, as if they were high class killers. all I could do was hide in the closet. And watch as people were slaughtered. And every morning I wake up right as the closet door opens. That's it. I wake up in a panic; sweating and panting. This dream has visited me many times now. And I get nervous when I go to bed now.

The Beginning of My Determination

It feels like desperation. I want so much to go somewhere, remove myself from this place. My room with its 4 walls and one window just isn't enough. Call me needy, but I want more. I want to walk across a farm, with a bale of hay over my shoulder. I want dirt on my knees from pulling out weeds. I'm done with fancy phones, and fast cars. I'm tired of the new game systems and the ipods. I'm sick of looking at people with over sized shirts and pants half way down their thighs. I'm sick of the tilted hats and the broken English. I sit on my bed after I come home from work and the aggravation and boredom with my life almost brings tears to my eyes. I desperately want to close my bedroom door behind me when I leave and never walk back in it. I want to see monuments, to go on tours inside museums, to take pictures, to smell flowers from around the world, to pick strawberries and apples. I want to grow pumpkins, to pet alpacas, to feed pigs. I want to see wooden fences not metal gates. I want to see grass, not littered concrete. I have so much time, yet it feels like its not enough. I want spontaneity. I want to write letters and keep a traveler's journal. I want to love my life.

Help me S e E.

Help me B r E a T h.

Help me S p E a K.

Help me L a U g H.

Help me L o V e.

Help me L i V e.

The tears from my eyes were forced out as I shut my eyelids. Standing in front of the train tracks, I counted as 

 they went by: "1.....2.....3.....", pondering which one I'd step onto. A train going outbound...where my internal 

boundaries would be broken. I was going to leave the state, leave this life behind. Run away.

One year lease

So I moved into my own apartment this past December, and I signed a one year lease. Uh oh! Seeing as I've only been here not even four months yet, and I'm planning on leaving already...sooo what do I do about that? I mean it's not like I can just hand him a check for 6 thousand dollars. Gggrrrr...which reminds me..I still need to put the money in the bank from paying my last rent!

Upside down and backwards emotions

I was laying in bed last night..well..this morning really because it was after mid night. I couldn't fall asleep because latley ive been on a nocturnal clock. I was laying there playing with my phone, looking through all my pictures..and drawing in the sketch pad..and going through my gps finding random places I'd never even heard of before. I was bored I guess..then I put my phone under my pillow and closed my eyes. Do you ever get to that point where there's nothing on your mind so you start thinking about the most random things ever? Well..that's what happened...I started thinking about a bunch of scary movies I watched a few weeks ago..and that wasn't good, because then I started moving around alot..in fear that something was going to grab my leg, and I kept kicking because the blanket would bunch up at the edge of the bed, and I didn't like looking down and seeing a big mass at the edge of my bed. I'm superstitious and afraid of the dark. I know..you get over your fears of the dark when you're a little kid, but me, no..I'm still wicked afraid of the dark..and almost 19.

So i finally stopped thinking the boogy monster was in my ear when I took my phone out again and started going through the apps again. It distrated me you know? So I'm looking through my pictures again and  randomly started crying, not like balling, but like I had a few tears rolling down my cheeks..I think it was because I was thinking of the move..I'm excited but i'm gonna miss this..even though a good majority of the time I hate it..I'm going to miss it none the less.

After crying I was still going through the pictures and I came upon a picture that aaron sent me..it was of me..but he had altered it...the picture was originally a side view of my face, but he made it look like it was a front view..it looked so funny..I looked like a jack-o-lantern. I died laughing. I was still crying, but I was laughing too..odd..

So then I put my phone back under my pillow and close my eyes again...and started thinking of the way people have been treating me latley and I got so mad..like I was ready to jump out of bed and flip out...

It was so wierd..I went through such an odd emotional change in just like an hour..laying in my bed..lol..

Who on God's green earth am I?

So I just got back from the social security building..or the Hastings Keith federal building I guess it's called..whatever..I went there because in the transaction from moving from Aaron's parents' house to my old foster mom's brother's house..I seemed to have misplaced it..either that or it's somewhere in a south carolina hotel..so yeah..I went to the building and first you empty your pockets into..what they would call buckets..but I would call dog bowls..I know that's what they were because when I worked at the vet..those were the bowls we used...ok..side tracked again..sorry...so..I empty my pockets and put my bag on the belt..blah blah..I'm not a terrorist..I'm good..they give me my stuff and I go in the room on the right. After getting my number and waiting for like two minutes..which was awesome..they call my number..Ok cool..this should be easy right? Wrong! What's your social? ######### Can I see your ID and birth certificate? I hand the lovely lady my ID and certificate and there begins all the problems; the adress isn't the same, the middle name isn't the same..the parents on the birth certificate aren't the same. Ok, what do you want from me..I'm an alien..So she asks me what my parents' names are..I say..i have no clue...She says where were you born..I say I have no clue...She says what was your old middle name...I say I have no clue..She says sweetie..what do you know..I say "Well..I sign by Fatima Tavares, everyone calls me Mia..my last name used to be either Cardoso or Cardoza, and soon enough i'll be signing by Canario" She says ok, we'll figure this out.. You do that =) And I leave half an hour later with a paper that says if they find that I've lied about any of my information I can be summoned to court. Great..if only I knew who the hell I was...there would be no problem...

Subjects 1-3

1.      Ugh..so...rent was due today..I havent payed it yet because I have to get to the bank and deposit the money..I have some of it in cash and some in checks...blah! Well..there's like a ten day paying span anyways..so I'll get it to him..like tomorrow..or the day after..maybe..lol..

2.      So I still have the bubbles in the wall...yeah bubbles in the wall..The last few days that it'd been puring all day and night..my wall and ceiling decided it wanted to piss on my bed!! i called the landlord..he sent someone over to literally poke the wall and say "K well..someone else needs to come"...that was a week ago..still nobody else has come. Rraawwrr.

3.      Omg! I'm totally in love with Dolly Parton and her song I will always love you (the one that everyone thinks Whitney Houston came up with)...but as it seems..I found the exact version I love on On Demand..but obviously it went away..and I couldn't find it on You Tube..you know..she has like 50 different versions..but that's the one I wanted..no other...wellllll!!!! I totally just found it..like literally 3 mins ago..and I saved it as my home page..It drives me crazy...in a good way...If I weren't in public right now I'd be belting out to it..AMAZINNGGG!!!

Here's To...

I've actually got so much to say..so much I wish people would hear, people would understand, people would listen to. But I sit infront of this screen and nothing comes out. I haven't the slightest clue where to start. I mean I had every intention on getting my story out, but now I can't find it. Does that mean that it really just doesn't matter any more? Like I went through it, I survived it...and that's it..no more? Who cares? Because latley that's how I've been feeling. I used to want everyone to know why the heck I am the way I am..because it's been questioned before..but now...I'm just like..ugh..I let it go..it's over and done with and as long as the people who it involved don't come around then I really don't care to live by it.

I'd love to be able to say I'm starting over, but as my experiences have told me..there's no such thing. I mean...is there? Ugh...what everrrr...here's to starting somewhere different...here's to forgetting the past to my best ability...here's to being optamistic

Grey's Anatomy

Last night I was watching the second season of Grey's anatomy on my laptop..which by the way, if you're one of those people that can't stand watching movies on a small screen such as the 14" laptop I've got..you'd hate my life..I don't have a tv..haha.. Anywhoo...I was watching the episode with the train colision. That one brings tears to my eyes no matter how many times I watch it. I mean gosh, it starts off with poor Meredith getting stood up..well...ok...she waits for like seven hours...ok..less..but I obviously don't have the real time, I just know she was there forever. Anyway..she's waiting there for McDreamy to show up and sweep her away. Does he show? Of course not, because he supposedly doesn't want to give up his old life in one day. If you ask me, that was a crappy excuse..I mean he moved from New York to Seattle..so obviously he was getting away..he ignored all her calls..forgot all about them and started over with his new life and Meredith..never mentioning being married...so yeahhhh he was giving up his life..what's the differenc now? So..Meredith gets paged because of the train incident..and misses him coming in. He shows up bout 20 mins after she leaves..figures. So after that quite depressing situation there's Donny..the girl who was stuck with the pole going through her and the other man..yes "through"...she was on one of those cute blonds you just have to take care of..you know? Like..easy to love..cracks jokes to cheer you up..and you laugh because she's trying so hard..not because the joks was funny..well...you see..it came down to her and the man stuck on the pole with her. Either she died, or he did. Of course as fate would have it she died..before they took her off the pole she asked if her boyfriend was there yet. No. So told McDreamy to tell him when he showed up..."If love were enough, I'd still be here with him". Well..bring on the tears...they pull her off...and she's all crashing and what not..and Meredith's there with her hand in the wound yelling out "You can't just abandon her..you can't just leave her"..which obviously we can tell is how she's feeling about McDreamy...so anywayyy...in the end..McDreamy stays with Addy..and Meredith goes about her depressed workaholic life and I play the next episode....gosh...what a soap!

Totally cool...I found this while searching Google..for ideas..

I found my way to the BCC library..where I do most of my blogging, because there I can bring my lap top and connect to the web. I sat at the center table and I was adding quotes to the pictures on my side bar when I felt a tap on my right shoulder.

"Help...please...me"

Great..broken English

"Um sure, what do you need?"

Make it quick I'm blogging here

"Eh..eh..I think I'm doing this"

Huh?

"This book, I'm supposed to do"

Great..foreign retard..

"Well, what page are you supposed to be working from?"

"Um..um..eeehhh..this one.."

pg 253

"Ok, well it has six steps for you to do, just follow them"

"What do I do?"

Your'e kidding me right?

"Well, step one says to go to the desktop and open paint"

"How does paint open?"

"Click on it"....."Twice"....."No, fast"...."Like this"

"I opened paint?"

Well...technically I did..but whatever

"Ok, what does step two tell you to do?"

"Um..um..draw.....a....circle....in center...of page"

"Ok, so now you just have to draw a circle"

"Which one's the cirlce?"

The round one stooge

"This one, above the square"

"I click on it?"

YEESSSSSSS!!

"Yup, and you have to draw it in the center of the screen"

"Am I done?"

"How many steps have you completed?"

"Two"

"And how many are there in total?"

"Um..eh..six?"

Finding my happy place...Peanut butter ice cream

"Yup, so now go onto step three..what does it tell you?"

"Um..choose a color....and.....fill...in the cirle"

Ok, easy enough

"What color?"

"It doesn't matter, whatever color you prefer"

"Um..um..ok..choose a color....and.....fill...in the circle..I choose color now?"

"Yeah, just pick a color"

"Ok"

Waiting for color selection

"Choose a color...and...fill in the circle"

"Look, just click on one of these colors down here, you see them?"

"Yes...you pick"

"Ok, we'll go with blue..what does step four say?"

"Eh...um..step four....click on Text button....and write your name in the center of the cirlce"

"Ok, the text button is the one with the big "T""

"Big "T"?"

"Yeah..this one..click on it"

"Ok, I clicked, now what?"

"What did the book tell you to do?"

"Um..my name"

If you ask me what your name is I'm walking away

"Ok, good, now what..what's the next step?

"Um..eh...go to file...go down...to save as...save to the desktop"
This one will be fun

"Ok, file is in the top tool bar"

"File...ok...save it? I save it?"

"Yup, save it"

"As what?"

"Anything you want"

"Um..ok...um...go to file...go down...to save as.."

"Just save it as your name"

"Ok...now what?"

"I'll bring it to the desktop for you"

"Oh, thank you"

"The last step..what does it tell you?"

"Exit paint and go to desktop and....bring it to...the recycling bin"

"Let me do that one for you"

Now, I swear to you this woman was not mentally challenged in any way..she just barely spoke English and didn't know a thing about computers.

Stimulating Conversation

The text that began my day at 8:07 am

"Vet tech full or part time 1227 Ashley Bld. Apply in person"

"Oh, ok thank you =-)"

"You gonna go"

"I'll check it out...but a position like that is taken by someone trying to get into the vet stuff..n a tech is like n intern..ill look at it"

"It said tech-assistant"

"Yeah..techs n tech-assistants would b in school training..lab work..appointments..ill check it out tho..c if they need kennel ppl"

"Just go you never know"

"Yeah i will...thank u =-)"

"Good girl"

Athletic mind

"It's not how good you are, it's how bad you want it"

Softball Splurb

The bench was barely wide enough for all of us to fit, with bazooka gum stuck to the edges and splinters sticking out of the corners. Well, what used to be corners, they were pretty rounded off. Right dab in the middle was a rather large crack, roughly the size of a pee wee baseball bat. When you were bored you could pull it up and let it go to listen for the loud smack it made when it plunged back to where it cozily fit in. It looked like Babe Ruth had once sat on the damn thing. The fence in front of our faces had been duck taped endlessly, We could barley see through the slots. They started off the size of a baseball, and somehow were now smaller than a golf ball. We all complained about the stupid fence; said take it down, we had helmets right? Oh boy were we glad that creaky old fence was there when foul balls came plummeting in our direction. Everywhere you walked inside that dugout you were stomping on sun flower seeds. And an occasional wad of gum got stuck to the bottom of your cleats and you didn't notice until you took a step and left your shoe behind. There were always those girls who were on deck but were too busy fixing their pony tails and making sure their shorts didn't go below there knees or leave a camel toe. You'd yell their names a few times and the umpire would warn you that you've got 15 seconds to get her to home plate or it was an automatic out. Coach says they're high maintenance. If you ask me they were just plain old dumb broads. You'd have the parents who'd bring their video camera's but knew their daughter sucked and made up some lame excuse as to why they weren't actually filming when she'd come running to the fence and say “did you get that?”. Like Mary Lou's mom; after hitting a line drive to the second basemen, instead of running to first she ran to the pitcher's mound. When she asked her mom if she got her dive on tape she said “Oh no hunny, your father forgot to give me the batteries.” The next game when Mary Lou could have made the best double play ever she wanted to show off her ballet skills and did some kind of Nomar twist, jump, kick, and I don't even know what the rest of it was, but by the time she came back down there were no runners on base. Her mom said “I thought I got it, but I guess I never actually hit 'record'”. And then there was Jennifer Lee, oh she cracked me up. Our first day at try-outs she asked me which hand the glove went on, I looked at it, thought I could have fun with it and told her to put it on her right hand. She missed the first drill because she couldn't seem to fit her thumb in the pinky hole. After that I finally told her it was the other hand and convinced her she'd heard me wrong. The second drill; we were all in the out field and Coach Barrett was hitting pop flies. Jennifer was right under the ball, Coach yelled out “Turn your glove!” and she did; right upside down.

We were all two months and three days away from becoming freshman. It was the first scrimmage of the summer league; our first day of being the laughing stock of the girl's softball league. Coach had taken one last swig of that funky concoction he had going on in that Gatorade bottle of his. Rather odd in my opinion; smelled like my uncle's breath when he went around kicking the cat, “God rest his soul” (the cat's), as my mother would say. Any who, after sticking his bottle in between the chain links he'd run out to the third base line, never looking at the opposing team's coach, (probably in shame of the constant humiliation) and wait to give us the signals. Did anyone use those signals? No. Most of the time Coach would put some out there and some stooge would step out of the box and stare at him with their eyes squinted then make their way over to him and he just told them. Did they do it then? No. It was always jerk around real fast, give Coach that pucker fish face and say “Whoops, I forgot”.

Mind Splurbs

John and Jane Daugerty

John and Jane Daugherty. She was a month older than him. Both were 16 when they met and 18 when they fell in love and got married. Now, they were 83 years old; married for 65 years. The nurse came in and told Jane she needed to change her husband's bedding. John had been immobile for quite some time now, and Jane was there every day with her husband, arriving at 7:00 a.m. and leaving at 9:00 p.m. It was routine for Jane to tell whatever nurse was on duty that she did not need them to do so; "I can take care of my husband, thank you". She would take the sheets from the nurse and proceed to change his bedding. She would tuck him in and open the shades to let the light in, once he was awake, say "good morning" and kiss him on his forehead. John had a hard time remembering words so most of their days were spent silently. Jane would sit on his left side, in the rocking chair she brought from home. With her right hand on his arm and a book in her left. She was on pg 47, paragraph four when she floated off into a day dream:

It was a Thursday morning. John had gone to the local floral shop and picked out a single white rose with a red ribbon for Jane. He placed it on the passenger seat, and headed to his yearly physical. After a half hour wait and a 60 second meet he was told he needed a neurological examination. It was a brain tumor. Surgery was immediate. They spent the following three months going in and out of hospitals, examinations, testing, group counseling meetings, and therapy sessions. Jane argued with doctors about where John should reside. She'd thought it best he be at home, the place he put so much of his heart and soul into making it what it was, with his family and his friends. The doctors told her he would be better in the company of medical professionals. Jane would lecture them about how it wouldn't make a difference; "My husband is going to die either way, we know that, so why not let him live the end of his life as he wants?". They had come to an agreement; John could stay at home as long as a nurse could go to their home once a week and examine him. A month had gone by with four visits and John began to lose track of time, forget names, stumble on flat ground, and slur his words. It had become inevitable that John were to be moved into the hospital. He had now been there for two months.

After changing her husband's sheets and sitting in her chair with her book on her lap unopened she heard a rather loud continuous beep. Johns heart rate monitor was showing that he was having a heart attack. John's body flinched slightly as his breaths became shorter and rapid. Jane contemplated calling out for help or hitting the emergency button, but then she thought of unplugging the monitor. We've fought long enough. Why suffer any longer? She sat in her chair as if suffering from paralysis. The beeping stopped, and became one drawn out tone. As John lay in his bed motionless Jane opened her book and fished a pen out of her hand bag. The sound of the heart monitor faded in her head as she began to write on the inside front cover:

At 18 when I took the hand of John Alan Daugherty I vowed to never fail him, to never look down upon him, to never doubt him, to never pressure him, to never hold him back, to never question his reasoning, to never lie to him, to never wander the world without him, to never love another more than him, to never spread his insecurities, to never cry without his shoulder, and to never live without him.

I failed him when I told him I did not want to move away from my home to be with him. I looked down upon him when he quit school. I doubted him when he returned. I pressured him into a job he did not like. I held him back from the one he wanted. I questioned him when he stopped kissing me goodnight. I lied to him when I told him I despised him. I went to England without him. I fell more in love with my selfish self. I told his insecurities to my judgemental friends. I cried in the shower.

There is one more thing i vowed to my husband. I told him I will never live without him. He is dead now, and here I am, breathing normally, the blood is flowing through my veins, not ready to stop. But i must keep my word to my husband. For he has kept his to me. He simply vowed to me; never to walk away from me, always to forgive me, and never to stop loving me. He has kept his. Regret does not live in my heart any longer.

John Alan Daugherty died of a heart attack on December 14th, 1996 at 1:08 p.m. Jane Amber Daugherty died of an overdose on December 14th, 1996 at 1:38 p.m.

"The difficulty of literature is not to write, but to write what you mean"

I'm fancying a good book; one involving a world even more complex than our own; one

with characters who's lives are nothing even remotely close to ordinary; a book that will teach

me a lesson, open my eyes, make me laugh and make me cry, make me think, make me

wonder,

motivate me and even scare me away.

Big Goals

They call it the "youngest country on earth", home of the Kiwi bird, fuzzy like the fruit, a medium toned brown, sporting a long tan beak. Their flag: the same symbol as Britain in the top left corner, and a strange arrangement of four red stars on the right side. Mid summer is at Christmas time, and mid winter is in July. Annual rainfall in the North Island is about 50 to 60 inches. Population: 4,268, 600...compared to America's 304, 059, 724. Welcome to New Zealand, my one and only dream land. We all have those, some wish it was Hawaii, others Maine, some Italy, others France. For me, the long stretches of nothing but grass and hills and mountainous land is Heaven. I guess starting now would be a good idea. I have such a big dream that sometimes I laugh at myself and say it's not going to work that way. I want to own a farm, one of those farms where on the holidays you go and pick pumpkins out, or apples, or strawberries, or whatever is in season. I want one of those. With some billy goats, and horse or two, and some pigs, and of course the cow. And just for the heck of it, an alpaca. Of course, lovie over here wants to own his own bakery. Ha, something we can't put together huh? A farm and a bakery? Who wants to eat with the pigs haha. Well anyways, we picked this house out to be our model for our future home. No matter where we end up, and whether or not I have my farm and he has his bakery..life will be grand. Hold me to it if you must, but we will accomplish our goals one by one.

Truly Thankful on Thanksgiving

Well, for the past eighteen years Thanksgiving has been a whole new adventure. I can't remember the names of the siblings, and parents and relatives i had before being adopted, but just three years ago I had and Aunt Ellen, an Uncle Fred, a great Aunt Nora, a grandmother Rosalie, whom i called Avo, a mother Jackie, and a Yorkie; Coco. The other side of that family was a father Shaun, a step mother Janine, two step sisters, Alicia and Keira, and a chocolate lab; Marlee. The year after was a mother Jen, a father Steve, two foster sisters, Rebecca and Kaitlyn, a foster brother; Christopher, 2 grandfathers, who's names I don't actually know, a grandmother, who's name I don't know, a great grandmother, who's name I don't know either, and four dogs and three cats..Zues, King, Dixie, Buddy, Marlee, Sylvester, and Smokey. The only people that haven't changed have been my two birth sisters Jessie and Crystal. This year Thanksgiving was with no mother, no father, no aunts or uncles, no siblings, not even foster siblings or parents. This year Thanksgiving was with my boyfriend and his parents. This year everything is with them, because I've given up on trying to find the right family. None of them have ever been my own, so I've given up. The next time I have a family will be when the children are my own, the father is my husband and the mother is me, and the aunts are my sisters.

However, this Thanksgiving I learned another lesson; there is always something to be grateful for; whether it be the pants you have on, while torn and dirty, still warmer than none, the elastic around your wrist so u may have the leisure to pull your hair out of your face, or the bed you get to have for a night, alone or not, its better than the hard wood floor your used to, or the occasional crammed onto a love seat.

In the past few years things have been thrown at me that I never thought I'd see. Most would think it would change who I am, but in all reality it made me proud to be the woman I am. I stand tall, even with my hair a mess, and smelly clothes. I know that people judge me by the way that I look, I know that people judge me by the money I don't have anymore, and that's unfortunate for them, because I am someone worth getting to know.

So this Thanksgiving I want to thank all my old families, thank you for showing me that I need to stand up for myself. Thank you for not being fake, had you have been, I would never have seen your true intentions with me. You didn't have to use or walk all over me, I'm nice enough that really all you had to do was ask. Thank you for allowing me to see who you all really were. I want to thank the friends I have; without them i would be lonely, I would have more journals filled than I can fit in my bag.