So lately I've been having this awful dream that leaves me waking in a panic. I'm in this house. Or mansion I should say because this place was humongous. I lived in the house with a group of other people. I cannot name the people because they were faceless. A group of men came into the house and opened fire on me and the other people in the house. The men were dressed in suits, as if they were high class killers. all I could do was hide in the closet. And watch as people were slaughtered. And every morning I wake up right as the closet door opens. That's it. I wake up in a panic; sweating and panting. This dream has visited me many times now. And I get nervous when I go to bed now.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
The Beginning of My Determination
It feels like desperation. I want so much to go somewhere, remove myself from this place. My room with its 4 walls and one window just isn't enough. Call me needy, but I want more. I want to walk across a farm, with a bale of hay over my shoulder. I want dirt on my knees from pulling out weeds. I'm done with fancy phones, and fast cars. I'm tired of the new game systems and the ipods. I'm sick of looking at people with over sized shirts and pants half way down their thighs. I'm sick of the tilted hats and the broken English. I sit on my bed after I come home from work and the aggravation and boredom with my life almost brings tears to my eyes. I desperately want to close my bedroom door behind me when I leave and never walk back in it. I want to see monuments, to go on tours inside museums, to take pictures, to smell flowers from around the world, to pick strawberries and apples. I want to grow pumpkins, to pet alpacas, to feed pigs. I want to see wooden fences not metal gates. I want to see grass, not littered concrete. I have so much time, yet it feels like its not enough. I want spontaneity. I want to write letters and keep a traveler's journal. I want to love my life.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Monday, January 3, 2011
The tears from my eyes were forced out as I shut my eyelids. Standing in front of the train tracks, I counted as
they went by: "1.....2.....3.....", pondering which one I'd step onto. A train going outbound...where my internal
boundaries would be broken. I was going to leave the state, leave this life behind. Run away.
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